mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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