I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
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