I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
