If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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