i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
