Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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