Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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