i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I will be naked everywhere
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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