I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
