I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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