I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
