Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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