now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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