im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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