theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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