I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
