member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
