I want to have your abortion
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
