I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
