We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
