I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I did not marry a roomba.
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