if you like me you must not know who I am
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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