after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
