Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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