Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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