dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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