I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
