Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
