The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
