The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
