Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
