You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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