last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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