I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
