I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
