Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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