today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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