The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
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You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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