I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
