She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
