Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
