Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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