This is not my ceiling
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize