So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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