Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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