Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
