Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
