I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How does it feel to date your dad?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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