The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
