I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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