I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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