I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
