Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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