Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
if only i could text you this smell
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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