I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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