I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
