when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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