Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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