so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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